listening to my body & hunger cues

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized my eating habits were abnormal. I used to watch videos of people talking about binge eating and I’d listen, but their stories seemed so sad and dramatic that I did not relate. I thought the “binge eating” they referred to, was like a moment in a movie where the person was running through every cabinet in the house and eating everything in sight. I thought binge eating was where the person lost all control (imagine someone stuffing their face with food, while tears streamed down their cheeks), this was how I thought of it….and then I learned what binge eating actually was, and the lightbulb went off.

My eating felt calculated, and I felt in control….or so I thought. I would make a decision to sit down and eat; and I’d keep eating, because the food was good. Sure I’m feeling a little uncomfortable and stuffed, but that’s how you’re supposed to feel when full and happy, right? I’d eat until I couldn’t anymore….and then after 15min when I was less full, I’d eat some more. This wasn’t binge eating because I wasn’t crying while I stuffed my face, and I didn’t feel helpless…I just kept logically making the choice to eat because that’s what I wanted. Even on the days when I told myself I was done eating, but I found myself rationalizing to go back and get seconds, I was still in control because I decided to get the second plate, right? Even when I’d throw the food away in the trash can, so it wouldn’t tempt me…but then I’d open the trash lid and think, “there’s nothing else really in the trash, so it’s fine”, or “the food is in its own container so it’s not like it was in the trash anyway”. I gave myself the illusion of control, but I was not in control.

My lack of control became more apparent whenever I took my weight loss seriously. How did I so desperately want to lose weight, but also find myself stuffing my face with food over and over. Why did I keep convincing myself to eat that second plate, or that I deserved this cheat day, when just 30min before, I had promised myself that I would not do this again. The illusion of control began to fade. I wasn’t in control, I so desperately wanted to change my life but I keep getting in my own way. I had a problem, and the best thing I’ve ever done was admit that to myself.

I envisioned binge eating, as being a dramatic moment of food consumption, because I thought how I ate was “normal”. So when others talked about binge eating, it had to be something more extreme because the way I was eating was standard, or so I thought.

Realizing that what others called binge eating, was what I considered to be a normal friday night, was a mind blowing moment. And ever since that moment I’ve been trying to relearn what a normal portion size of food is, I try to reteach my body to get used to consuming less, and to retrain my brain, habits and relationship around food. There’s some discomfort with this change, my belly was like a petulant child, angry at not getting it’s way sometimes, but everyday it get’s a little easier, everyday my body is growing used to the changes I’m implementing.

The most helpful thing has been learning what hunger feels like.

If you put levels of hunger on a scale, I was always aiming for a 7-10. If I was at a 4, 5 or 6, I’d say, “Im hungry”, and use that as a reason to eat. Having room to eat and room for food, does not mean you are hungry, but so often I mistook it as such. Nowadays I aim for a 5, the feeling of satisfaction in my body. My tastebuds might want more, but that doesn’t mean my body needs more. Of course I’m not perfect (I’m still working to lose weight after-all) but thinking of hunger on a scale this way has helped me to better learn my body and how it feels. Sometimes I think I’m at 4, but then I drink water and nope, I’m fine. Or I think I’m getting hungry, but then I get distracted reading a book, playing a video game, or at the gym and…wow I guess I wasn’t that hungry after-all. Learning that it’s ok to feel a little discomfort, it’s ok to feel a little hungry (especially when what I think of as hunger is so distorted), has helped me to maintain a healthier diet and eat healthier portion sizes. I just had to practice telling myself “no”, and get comfortable with how it felt sitting lower on the hunger scale, and not aiming to go higher.