Self Sabotage

While on my weight loss journey, I remember being stuck between 230 - 220lbs for at least a year. I’d get down to 220lbs and no matter what, I just couldn’t break past that number. I’d always slowly regain and get back up to 230lbs (or higher). I’d be at 230lbs, hitting the gym, meal prepping and be in a deficit. I’d grind and then when I saw 220 on the scale, I’d rejoice thinking I was finally breaking past this plateau….only to regain it all back. I’d eat food and regret it, I’d tell myself it was, “only one day”, or “only one meal”, but I’d be telling myself this several times a week. I just couldn’t break past 220lbs…. until I finally did.

But now here I am, between the 190s - 200s and I’m starting to find myself repeating this familiar pattern. It’s only been the last two weeks that I’ve felt myself fall into emotional eating, and am hearing myself make the same excuses that I’ve so often made in the past; but I don’t like it and I’m ready to put a stop to any self sabotage before it fully starts.

Everyone self sabotages for different reasons, but after some internal reflection, seeing repeated patterns, and a bit of therapy. I want to share with you some of the reasons that have caused my self sabotage over the years.

1) Undereating

When I’ve lowered my calories too low or tried to make super drastic changes to my diet, I end up yo-yoing on the scale. I stick the diet out for a week or two, feeling amazing and seeing the scale suddenly drop in weight, but eventually I crash. My body is exhausted, my hunger is out of control, and I end up binging and/or giving up, all because I tried eating in a way that was not sustainable for me. I’ve learned that it’s best to make small changes, and slowly lower my caloric intake, so my body and brain can adapt and I don’t feel deprived and end up binge eating.

2) I need a diet break

Having 100lbs to lose, is a lot of weight. I used to think I would start dieting and just keep dieting year round, all the way until I hit my goal. Nothing is wrong with this plan…except when the holidays, birthdays, celebrations and nights out with friends come and I feel like I have to stay away and hide, or attend and fight temptation and risk feeling bad about myself if I failed.
Instead of grinding and being on a super strict diet year round, I have found it really helpful to take diet breaks. There are months when I’m dieting a bit harder and being more intentional with eating at a caloric deficit, and other months where I’m focusing on maintaining my weight, allowing room for flexibility, and fun without going overboard and gaining. These diet breaks help me to feel confident in my ability to still live a full and active life, without fear of turning back to my old ways. They give me a mental break, and I think they help with my overall relationship to food. Losing weight, maintaining weight and gaining weight are three different things, and on my journey to losing 100lbs I have seasons of losing, and seasons of maintaining my new lows, as long as I’m not gaining a ton of my weight back, I count it as a win.

3) Sabotaging out of fear

I am comfortable at a larger size…well, I’m not comfortable or confident enough to wear certain outfits at this larger size, or to let my body be seen ( I definitely hide under baggy clothes, etc) but this body is familiar to me. The oversized jumpers and hoodies are familiar to me, knowing that I won’t be harassed or looked at by people in public, is familiar to me, and it’s also kind of freeing. They say that male attention will skyrocket when you lose weight and get down to an average size. That people in general treat you differently when your’e thinner verses being overweight. The interesting thing is…many of us (myself included) lose weight hoping that it makes dating easier, hoping we do get more attention (or at least more attention from the type of people we like), but the actual idea of it is also kind of scary. My size is my comfort blanket. Sometimes I don’t want to be seen, sometimes I enjoy fading in the background, and sometimes my size makes me feel strong. As much as I want to get healthy and be “smaller”, I have no idea what that life will look like, how it might change my friendships, my dating life and life in general. Sure, I’m excited for the changes, but there’s a bit of apprehension as well. Afterall, there is comfort in the familiar.

4) I’m stressed / feeling anxious

Sometimes when I’ve fallen into “the food pit”, and I can’t seem to stop myself from ordering out, and eating more than what I know I need (and more than what’s healthy), it is usually because I am stressed. I’m an emotional eater, I like to eat comforting foods in order to self soothe and make myself feel better. The thing is, I never used to be aware that I was doing it until I started dieting and learning more about myself, my cravings and my relationship with food. Whenever I’d notice intense cravings/hunger, that was stronger than normal, I’d wonder….why is this happening today? And eventually I saw the pattern of me being stressed, or me being upset and how those emotions made me want to eat.

5) It’s that time of the month

I think most women can relate to this one. My cravings go wild usually a few days before, or even up to a week before my monthly. Keeping track of my periods and recognizing the reason why I keep debating on whether or not to buy those potato chips, helps me to make sense of it all.

Losing weight and taking control of your health, is really a journey in self discovery. I’ve learned more about why I crave the foods I do, why my motivation wanes, and what triggers my poor eating habits, by simply trying to understand myself and get in control of my health. It’s easy to think that you eat the way you do, simply because the food taste good, but it really always goes deeper than that. Take the time to notice what prompts your food choices, why you tend to binge and maybe by finding the answer, you can address it and begin to find healing. The last 2 weeks have been emotional ones for me, and I know this is the reason for the many “off days” that I had. Now that I know, I’m putting in the work and doing what I need to do, to see a change.